Friday, October 1, 2010

umm.... do i suck at life?

i suppose everyone feels a bit of self doubt every now and then right?  i think its a healthy way of reflecting on ourselves.  am i doing the best i can for myself? no... am i making all the right choices? no...am i a good mom/wife/sister/friend/daughter? errrr not always.   i feel like something is always missing in my life lately. what, im not quite sure. i try to fill the void with stuff. sometimes the wrong stuff.  it drives merv crazy that i am always gogogogogogo!!! to the point of burning out and bringing on more stress.

take running for example(must be the theme of the month....) i'd rather shove a hardcore workout in to 1/2 hour of running my guts out than dally around the gym or do an hour long video. i don't have enough time for an hour. (although slowing it down a notch and adding in some pilates again would do me some serious favors.)

me: "LETS ALL GO DOWN TO FISH LAKE TRAIL AND RUN AND RIDE BIKES!!!!"
him:"can't we just hang out here at the home we work hard to pay for? i like it here. its my favorite place to be."
me: "i work here all the time, i need a break!!! lets go for a drive, get a treat, go visit someone..." (sometimes when i'm in my house i can't relax because i feel like i have to take care of something, anything!)
him: i think you need to go for a run alone and i'll chill here with the kids.... (said with love and compassion... of course ;)

the longer we're together, the more we understand what works and doesn't for us and each other.
i'm glad he sees that i need a tiny break from life once on awhile. i love him. and i love the life i have. its just a constant growing and changing and evolveing experience. sometimes i feel like im reverting backward instead of moving forward. lately i've really been trying to let things fall where they are suppose to instead of forcing them. it seems to be working.

*photo: blast from the past.. maybe 4 years ago? after a very tumultuous time in our marriage. i cut my hair really short right after this. its hard to tell in the phots, but it was really long and shaggy and actually a really hideous haircut.  i think it was a form of me trying to rid that part of myself when i told the girl to chop it off....  i love this picture.

4 comments:

Christy said...

You're totally not alone here! Tim's been telling me lately that I need a vacation and a break from the girls as well... hmm... maybe he's onto something. At least these men know us well enough!

Darla said...

you good girl. love your posts. always speaks to me.

jen said...

You don't suck at life. Promise. :) And you're great at all the things you do. You have so much inspiration to go around that you can't settle it on one thing, and that's why you're great at so many things! Just make sure to take breaks BEFORE you need them.

Forever Young said...

Julie, I so appreciate what you wrote in this post. We are so alike. I have to do the same thing, and Ashton often suggests what Merve does when he knows I need a break. Love you!!!